“Behind every teen struggling to be understood is a parent struggling to stay steady.”
The teen years.
Stormy, silent, confusing, challenging, transformative, thrilling.
This is not just for teenagers, but for parents, too.
We often think of parenting teenagers as a set of techniques or tools:
- Say this, do not say that.
- Set boundaries. Give freedom.
- Be involved. Step back.
But what if I told you that the most powerful parenting tool you have is not a technique?
It’s you.
Your self-awareness.
Your emotional regulation.
Your ability to pause instead of react.
Your intelligence & experience of not taking things personally.
That is where it all begins.
A Mother and a Mirror
I once worked with a mother named Anita (name changed for obvious reasons to protect a client’s space and respect her privacy and trust), who came to therapy saying, “My daughter has become impossible. She yells, slams doors, and does not listen. I do not know who she is anymore.”
We began to unpack her story.
Anita was raised in a home where emotions were suppressed. She was praised for being the “good girl”, the one who did not answer back, who kept the peace. So, when her daughter expressed anger or sadness, it triggered something deep in Anita. Not because her daughter was wrong, but because Anita never learned how to feel those emotions safely.
The real work did not start with changing the teen’s behaviour. It began with Anita parenting herself, learning how to feel, regulate, and express.
Only then could she hold space for her daughter to do the same.
Why Self-Parenting Matters
Teenagers are emotionally intense, often unpredictable, and constantly evolving. They push buttons we did not even know we had. This is not a flaw; it’s developmentally normal.
Their brains are a work in progress, identities are forming, and independence is asserting itself. In those moments, when they roll their eyes, walk away, and scream “You do not understand me!”, the question becomes:
- Can we remain regulated enough not to take it personally?
- Can we respond instead of react? That’s the gift of self-parenting.
It means:
- Tending to your emotional wounds so you do not bleed on your child.
- Noticing when you are parenting from fear, guilt, or ego.
- Understanding that your child’s behaviour is not a measure of your worth.
- Allowing your teen to be themselves, even if it looks nothing like you.
When You Change, They Feel It
One father, Raghav (again, name changed), once told me, “I started journaling every night after fights with my son. I realised I was speaking to him like my father spoke to me. The words were not mine. They were inherited.”
When he paused to reflect instead of reacting, his relationship with his teen softened.
They did not agree on everything. But they felt safer with each other.
And that safety is what teens crave.
What Parenting Yourself Looks Like
- Therapy or counselling to process your childhood patterns.
- Journaling when triggered, asking: “What part of me feels unheard?”
- Practicing breathwork or grounding exercises during teen outbursts.
- Speaking kindly to yourself after a hard day, “I am still learning. That’s okay.”
- Apologizing to your teen when you are wrong, modelling humility and repair.
Before we raise teenagers, we must raise ourselves.
This journey is not about being a perfect parent.
It’s about being a present one.
One who is committed to healing, growing, and showing up, not just for your teen, but for the little child in you who still needs love, too.
Does this resonate with your parenting journey?
Have you ever noticed your teen triggering your childhood experiences? Let’s open this conversation. Share your thoughts in the comments.
